"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up (but I've still got the )!"

The title of this blog is the chicken-farm-run-by-old-ladies version of the famous saying, "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up." (If you haven't heard that one, you've been living in a foreign country and I can't help you there....) A few examples will help clarify:

True story:

The day our 6-month old bulldog/Heeler puppy got spayed, she came home VERY drowsy. She staggered to her feet in the evening, like she needed to pee. So I let her walk down the ramp (how stupid - it's a long ramp) to the back, which is some grassy area, but mostly lava rock, as I watched from the comfort of my deck in my bathrobe. Somehow, in my tiny brain, I thought she would go to the bottom of the ramp, tinkle, and come right back up. Noooooo, she hit the yard, and kept on going. Until she was in the middle of the lava field. And then, the sleepyhead just sat down, fell over, and fell asleep! I panicked! Threw my garden slippers on, (these are open-toed crocs) and ran out to where my little 45-lb baby was stranded in the dark lava field. Without thinking, (not that I've been thinking at all during this story yet) I scooped her up in my arms.  Whoa.... Big mistake. I became top-heavy, couldn't maintain my footing, and crashed to the hard, sharp, lava ground. Ouch! But Panter was securely buffered from the fall by my body, and I wasn't letting her go. I hollered to Pat, "Help, I've fallen, and I can't get up, but I've got the dog!"

Another true story (repeated many times):

Chickens are clever in some ways, and stupid in others. Some chickens just want to escape. Even if there are big dogs outside the pen, and the food is inside the pen. Every now and then, one of the chickens will escape into the yard. Then we have to catch it before the dogs do, or it goes into the next batch of dog food. It's pretty entertaining, watching Pat and I run around the yard after a chicken. They are faster than you think. Anyway, there are a few spots where we trap them, corners by the pens, garden latticework area, etc. Problem is, they are also the places where we (and this is the 'we' that means Pat) have to get down and crawl into the corner and lurch after the chicken to grab her, preferably with both hands. Think about it...have you ever crawled backwards out of a tight space without using your hands? So, after lunging, Pat is laying there in the bushes, can't get up or move backwards, with a firm grasp on the chicken, and she says to me, "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up, but I've got the chicken!"