The Tale of Two Floaties

In this story, the names have been changed to protect the pride of the participants.

I have hesitated to tell this story to protect my own pride. However, some stories beg to be told, eventually. What it boils down to is just this. I am forever grateful that I do not have a job where I am required to invade anyone's private actions, thoughts, or behaviors, or in any way humiliate them. Jobs like searching people, accompanying them for urine tests, etc. Anyway, now the story...

I have had stomach/bowel problems all my life. Unfortunately, as I age, they get worse. Sometimes, when I need to go, I mean "now!" Which can be really embarrassing, if I don't get to a Ladies' Room in time. So I know most public restrooms in town. Well, I had just driven into town, 1.5 hours, and stopped into a shop to buy some things. Well, the need hit me. There were signs EVERYWHERE that said "NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS". Yeh, I get it. But I have found that, sometimes, if you ask nicely, the 'no' can be an 'okay'. So I asked the nice lady at the counter if I could use the restroom, because it really was an emergency. She said, "Well, let me check. We were just talking about that." And she promptly got on her walkie-talkie and said, "Clovis, I have a customer here that needs to used the restroom. It's an emergency." Yes, walkie-talkie, not phone. Yes, loud, all could hear. When she heard no response, she tried again, a little louder, same phrase. Then, she got a response, "I'll send Johnnie up." I'm thinking, "huh? who's Johnnie?" Anyway, up comes Johnnie, and says, "Are you the customer that has to use the restroom?" And I answered, "Yes, please." After all, I was asking a favor, and I was in dire need. "Follow me," he says. And I dutifully follow. We go through the store and into a big back room. Over in the corner sits a....yes....a toilet. No partition, no screen, just bare toilet. He points, and I..... say, "Thank you." He leaves, closing the door. I walk over to the intended receptacle, and realize there is a woman doing laundry in the washer/dryer right next to the....toilet. Hmmmm. I say, "Um, excuse me, I'm going to used the facility...." And she replies, "Okay, I'll be out of here in a minute." (By now I realize they do not really understand the nature of bathroom emergencies, and I am willing my body not to release anything at all prematurely.) She finally left, and, feeling very exposed, I sat and did my business, as it were. When finished, I duly flushed. I held the handle down, but (OMG!) two little floaties didn't go down. Well, I tried to wait until the toilet stopped running to flush again, but it kept going and going, and I was impatient, so I just closed the lid and washed my hands in the little sink nearby and zoomed out. Well, standing outside the door to the big room was none other than laundry lady Clovis. She stopped me and said, "I'm sorry, but you have to go back in there with me and inspect the area." What??!!??
Which is what I said. "I have to WHAT?" And she explained that they closed their restroom to the public because customers had smeared feces on the walls. I was infuriated that she thought a was a feces-smearing type, but at the same time I thought, "Damn those floaties!" So in we marched, and, we looked in the pot together, and there they were, damning me, the two little floaties. She nodded at the handle, and watched as I properly flushed them down. And we had to wait while they sailed away to be sure they cleared the bend. She also made some comment about there being some spray for the smell somewhere on the counter, which I chose to ignore - they can install a fan.

Having completed my humiliation, I proudly walked out to the main store, completed my purchases, and left. At first, I just felt humiliated. Now I am mostly grateful that I don't have her job.